No Hassle Child-Rearing

By Cathy James

When my niece gave birth to her third baby in nearly as many years, I decided to send her some sage advice on child-rearing. I can only hope that she's smart enough to follow it. I wanted to share it with others, so use what works for you. It's free.

When your oldest reaches the age of about eight, you should teach him to cook pizza in the oven and pour milk. He will already be able to pour cereal and fix bologna sandwiches. With these three food sources at his disposal, you should never be forced to cook another meal for your children until they reach college, and then it had better be a holiday.

At about age ten, they should be doing their own laundry and minor medical procedures. Don't waste money on trips to the emergency room when they can treat one another. Kids love to play doctor and nurse anyway. As long as there are Popsicle sticks, gauze, pants rods from hangers, and Duct tape, there's no need to pay some ER physician an outrageous fee to do what your kids can do for one another. And you can call it a science project.

Even the youngest child can perform yard work. Safety scissors are available at any discount store and it doesn't matter how she butchers the grass. It always grows back. Older children can use a weedwacker and lawnmower. Refer back to medical procedures in the event of an emergency. Just put some safety glasses on them and set out a jug of water. Ignore your neighbors who think you are being cruel. They're just jealous that they don't have their own yard crew.

Automotive repairs are a cinch with children. They are small and can crawl around an engine quite easily. Have an older child read instructions from a manual. Be sure the hood is securely up. Otherwise, you will have to refer to the medical section again.

Children are especially useful in house cleaning. Wrap your youngest child in a clean towel and let older children shove him all over a floor that has been treated with mild soap. Your floor will be clean and they will be under the illusion that they are playing. Exercise care when squeezing towel out, if child is still inside.

If your children are under the silly notion that you should be driving them to time-wasting activities (such as, soccer or dance classes), these issues can be addressed at home at no cost. Paint a pumpkin black and white and let them kick it around the yard awhile. It will be hard and messy and they will never want to play sports again. If they want dance lessons, turn on your favorite public radio station during the classical show, and tell them to let their bodies be free. As an added bonus, you can tie kitchen towels to their feet and get your floor cleaned at the same time.

Washing clothes and bathtime can be facilitated in one easy maneuver. Most washers can easily hold two standing children. Put them inside fully dressed in their dirty clothes, and put it on the permanent press cycle. This agitation serves as an amusement park ride to occupy your children at least twenty minutes. It is recommended that you remove them before the spin cycle, otherwise motion sickness can be a problem.

Lastly, don't fall prey to the mega-conglomerate marketing of companies trying to convince your children that they need fancy toys in order to be fulfilled and educated. If God wanted children to have toys like that, he wouldn't have invented refrigerator boxes and that glorious stuff called "bubble wrap." Any child would be thrilled to create things out of a box and pop all those little air bubbles. Give them some colored markers to decorate his box and he's in his very own arts and crafts class.

Raising kids can be easy and carefree. The choices are yours.

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Copyright 2003 Cathy James