Fear Factor is for Wimps

By Julie Donner-Andersen

"Mom, come here, you GOTTA see this!" my 10-year-old son, Zach, exclaimed excitedly.

Fearing that someone was bleeding to death on my beige carpet, I sprinted from the bathroom, panties forming an inner tube just under my nether regions, and hurried into the family room. "What IS it?" I panted, panic laced in my tone.

Zach pointed at the TV where a new show called Fear Factor was about to illustrate how contestants could earn $50,000 by facing their fears and participating in contests ranging from bug eating to dangling precariously from a flagpole 20-stories high.

I was captivated, if not skeptical.

After the show ended, Zach asked me how I like it. I responded enthusiastically, "Fear Factor is for wimps!"

"Aw, come on, Mom! That was totally cooool," judged my son. "Betcha YOU couldn't do any of that stuff."

Ah, the tactless innocence of youth. What my naive son failed to grasp is that when it comes to conquering fear, his mom is a daily contender -- as are ALL moms.

Cockroach eating? Please! Ever consume a four-year-old's creation from an Easy-Bake Oven while she's watching you choke down every crumb? Now THAT takes guts.

Flagpole dangling? Get real! Ever try balancing five baskets of dirty laundry while blindly finding each step with your toes as you descend a flight of stairs? Now that's courage.

Walking across hot coals? How lame! Ever navigate your son's room in the dark and encounter a floor full of miniature Legos while suppressing a scream so as not to wake your sleeping child? How's that for inner strength?

Swimming with sharks? Big deal! Ever try to bathe a screaming, water-phobic toddler while she frantically tries to claw her way out of the tub by using your hair as a repelling rope? Now that takes nerves of steel.

This new fear-driven television show draws on the phobias of its guests, and offers a prize to the one who can overcome them. All phobias are fears, but not all fears are phobias. REAL fear is that dreadful feeling of being out of control. These are the anxieties that mothers hurdle each and every time they allow their children out the front door into a world of kidnappers, drag-racing teenagers, and drunk drivers. And there is no prize greater than that feeling of relief when they walk back safely through that door again.

No, Fear Factor does nothing for this harried mom. But I do have an idea to pitch to those executives in Tinseltown:

Moms compete against each other, racing the clock to see who can whip up a 5-course dinner for 6 in 20 minutes, then throw shoes and a coat on a dawdling 4-year-old, drive Kid #1 to a soccer game at 7 PM, drive Kid #2 to swim lessons at 7:15 PM across town, and Kid #3 to Staples to get a report cover for a science fair project that is due tomorrow -- after which, she must reverse the course, to pick up the children from their activities, head home to check on homework, clean the kitchen, bathe the baby, read a bedtime story, bring 4 kids a glass of water, one at time, up 13 steps from the kitchen to their bedrooms, gather up the laundry, throw it in the washer, and give her husband the best dirty look when he winks at her with sex on his brain.

Gimme a show like this where the prize is an all-expense-paid weekend for one at a spa, complete with mud facials and a handsome, blond, muscular masseuse named Sven.

I'd call it Mom Factor -- and it'd break the Nielsen ratings records for sure.

Advanced Motherhood -- Section 301

By Lizbeth Finn-Arnold

Like many other moms, I have accumulated more childcare books than all of my overpriced textbooks in college. And I have done so much independent mommy research that I could write at least one (if not two) senior thesis. Let's face it, this is one incredibly complex job and there just isn't any training or educational preparation for it. Most of us are learning everything we can "on the job."

Unfortunately, my B.A. in Communications from Rutgers College and Certificate in Film from NYU did not exactly prepare me for toddler tantrums, potty training, or the mommy blues. Being a self-proclaimed brainiac (O.K. I know you're thinking geek) I have taken it upon myself to pursue the necessary research, reading, and hands-on childrearing necessary for my Masters in Motherhood.

In my pursuit of knowledge I have discovered that most of my traditional resources cover the same information in pretty much the same way and with pretty much the same "experts." For my first year of motherhood I needed to know the basics and so the national parenting magazines and popular childcare books were sufficient. I call these my Motherhood 101 Courses. I knew nothing about being a mother, and these Intro Courses told me enough to get me by.

However, I'm now six years into this education and I find myself bored by the usual resources. How many times can I read the same generic articles on Disciplining Toddlers or Getting Picky Eaters to Eat? Frankly, I find most of the traditional mothering articles to be extremely simplistic and insulting. Most do not really delve into the complexities of a mother's life. And at their absolute worst, they treat us like braindead Stepford Wives with a faux-finishing obsession.

But more than all that, I figured if Rosie, Oprah, and Martha can have their own magazine -- then why can't I? Sure, I'm not a wealthy, instantly recognizable celebrity who can sell magazines by plastering my face all over them. But I am a highly-opinionated, driven, and creative mom with a few things to say yself. Luckily for you, I have created this online magazine for just that purpose.

But this magazine is not just for my voice -- it's for your voice too. If I've learned anything these past six years, I've learned that no two mothers are alike, and either are their children. Babies do not come with directions and they don't adhere to the handy rules published in magazines that they can't even read. Most of us are getting our Masters in Motherhood through hands-on experience (our labs and field trips), and from speaking with guest lecturers (other more experienced moms).

In this vein, I have created a magazine as a forum for real moms to educate, inform, and entertain other real moms. We don't want to hear from a small selective list of "so-called experts" or celebrity moms with issues we cannot relate to. We want to hear from the thousands of moms who are out there who have learned something valuable and want to share it with the newcomers. I see this magazine as a sort of old-fashioned "women's circle." We may not live in tight knit communities, but through the pages of this magazine we can reach out across distance and brag about our babies, share our well-gained knowledge, or ask for help and advice when we don't have any place else to turn.

Ultimately, it is my wish for all mothers to know that they are not alone. We may have unique needs, lead diverse lives, and have different problem, but odds are that someone else has been in our mommy shoes before us.

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Copyright 2004 -- Lizbeth Finn-Arnold