Winging It

By Mary Foglia

I am a mother of three daughters, and all the old cliches hold true. They are the "apples of my eye"-- "my joy" -- "sugar and spice and everything nice" (that is, sometimes). At other times, other cliches hold true. "Spare the rod, spoil the child" -- "children should be seen and not heard" -- "in my day, children showed respect for their elders."

Being a mother these days is different. We grew up with all the old rules, yet as budding parents we infested ourselves with countless childrearing books, and watched countless hours of Oprah, all in an attempt to enlighten ourselves to the secrets of being wonderful parents, to having perfect children. How delusional can one get? There are no secrets. Childrearing is mostly "winging it." At least in my case. Thankfully, I've always been good at winging it.

When my daughter Jilly asks if she can be excused from the dinner table with hardly a bite of dinner eaten, I simply ask her how old she is. When she answers "six," I tell her she must eat six more bites before she leaves. It works. When my rowdy daughter Kristy climbs to the top of the jungle gym, I ask her how old she is. When she answers "four," I tell her she can climb up four levels. My youngest, Maria, isn't even a year-old, so the age thing doesn't work, though I know it will in the future.

Was this secret of getting my children to obey my wishes by correlating my desired response to their age ever mentioned on Oprah, or in Dr. Spock's books? I know it wasn't. I was winging it, and it worked. Who know why it works. I've tried it on friends' children, and the results are always positive. Give it a try, and see what I mean.

When my older daughters get into on of their drag out fights, I make life a musical. Figuring out who had it first, or who took what from whom, is often a fruitless pursuit with young children. So I break into song. I repeat verbatim their words in high-pitched voices, accompanied with flamboyant gestures. They get angry initially, but once each has heard the other's side being voiced this way, we all end up laughing. Dr. Brazleton wouldn't agree with this method, but these moments happen too often to go into lecture mode. Children sometimes see the nonsense of these arguments. Make the moment lighter, laugh it off. The success rate for this secret depends on your child's temperament. With my own, it works 85% of the time.

My personal favorite "winging it" technique is the Group Hug. When any member of the family declares Group Hug Time, everyone must get up and join together for an embrace. There is no acceptable reason to decline. This technique was instilled from day one. And I call Group Hugs more than anyone. I love them. It often helps after conflicts, but we mostly use it for no reason at all. I love when my daughters call a Group Hug. Some nights, when competing, we've launced a hundred Group Hugs. Since competition between siblings is to be expected, I find this competition to be beneficial to all. The success rate is immeasurable. It's off the scale.

These are but a few of my "winging it" moments or techniques. I find if you let yourself be open to children, to see things through their eyes, not only do you gain insight into how to raise them -- but you also enjoy life much more.

My eyes still flip through childrearing books, but mostly they look into the eyes of my daughters. They are the ones with the secrets. I'm sure of it.